With a faint hiss and crackle of radio static, the transwarp conduit
collapses.

	V'ger isn't where she is supposed to be.  I check my position, it's
right.

	I recheck for V'ger.  She isn't within the sixteen light years the
CZ's sensors can see, either.  I double check the time, right after I left,
according to the local rocks.

	&Miki, call V'ger& I tell my onboard 'puter.

	&O hisashiburi desu& she chides gently, &Voyager o youbimasu.&  After a
few seconds she continues, &Voyager mitsukemashita.  Chochi toui, hyaku san ju
ku hikari nen gurai kedo.&  She displays the location.

	A hundred and thirty nine light years is a little far, yes.  I let my
face twist a little.

	&Is it our V'ger?'

	&Uun.  Chigau no.&

	Oh well, it's a V'ger, anyway.  It might be fun, to meet everyone for
the first time again.  With that thought, &Miki, run the calcs for a
wormhole.&

	&Chotto matte,& she asks, then, a few instants later, &Dekimashita.&
She flashes the warp dissonance numbers to get us there.

	&Yatte mitte,& I tell her, try and see.

	&Hai,& she has the CZ begin warming her warp coil, which I'd rewound
just before we left on this trip.  The CZ begins to shake a little, as the
coil warms from dead cold, up to zero C, then slows to a stop as the coil
reaches operating temperatures, about fifty C.  I tell myself, again, that I
should fix that.

	&Miki, remind me to fix that shake, once we are home.&

	&Hai.&

	A few moments later a different vibration starts, purely subspace, as
the coil harmonics destabilize, and space folds the wrong way, creasing open
between here and someplace else.

	`Let's check and see if it's safe,' and I launch a probe through.

	It doesn't blow up instantly after reaching the other side, and I
wait five seconds before, &Miki, the full self-report on the probe?'

	&Kirei,& she flashes a summary.

	&Where?&

	&Yoyager no mukou, han nen gurai.&  half a light year past V'ger.

	&in we go,& I tell her, and slip us into the wormhole.

	I rub my head, through my helmet, and blink at the pretty flashing
lights on the console.  &Nan datta no?& I whine at Miki.

	&chotto hayaku oshiemashita.&

	No wonder I feel like I got kicked by an angry Borg cube.

	&when we get there, open the shuttle bay doors, and get us down&

	&Hai,& and I can hear a smile in her voice.  She rather likes breaking
and entering.  I let myself wonder for a moment, again, if she is sentient.  I
didn't actually design her to be, but then again, I didn't really design her
so much as throw her together.

	I plot the course to V'ger in my head, switch the selector from the
impulse engines to the chemical, and remember only at the last minute that
this V'ger would be full-transtator still.  So I flip the selector back, while
the subspace effects the chemical engines produce as the high-energy helium
molecules escape the CZ's warp field are lovely, those subspace effects really
aren't good for transtator devices.

	Which is one reason why I don't like transtators.

	The CZ goes unnoticed until well after we've cought up to V'ger,
unnoticed, in fact, until we match shield frequencies and slip through, at
which point the proximity detectors finally twig in.

	V'ger doesn't even notice as Miki cracks admin on her 'puter, and
opens the shuttle bay doors, blocking responce on the proximity sensors, as
well as any alarms.

	Moments later the CZ is landed, gear down, wing tips and belly-fin
folded up, and I pull my helmet off.  The canopy opens and I lever myself out,
pausing on the still-icy skin of the CZ's nose to pull my gloves off, toss
them in my hat, and drop all three in the seat.  I slide off onto the deck.

	&Miki, close the canopy.&

	&Hai.&

	&Where could I have blown my calculations?

	She brings up a display of my sets of transwarp calculations, a dense
black field lightly spotted with red.

	I let my mind go un-focused, then focus again, and chose one of the
red spots.

	After a moment I recognize it, it was a fencepost condition, and I'd
figured out it was going south because that set of numbers was starting to
horribly diverge, about four months into the first set of number-crunching.  I
rub my forehead a little, looking at it, as I realize I'd over-corrected.

	I fix it, again, and ask, &Now?&

	The numbers appear again, and this time there are only a couple of
little red spots, nine, actually.

	`Yay!'  I bounce about in a little circle, then check the first of
them.

	It is another hour before I decide that they are correct, and have
Miki start the crunching again, all happy.

	The door to the shuttle bay opens, and I look up into the shocked eyes
of a security crewman, Johns.

	`Emily!  High!,' I greet the young woman happily, waving a little.

	She blinks, her eyes roll back in her head, and she collapses in a
dead faint.

	`Doctor Smith,' I tap her comm badge, `Crewman Emily Johns has just
fainted in the shuttle bay, could you check on her?'

	`Bring her to sickbay,' he tells me.  A pause, as I gather her up,
glad, for the moment, still to be wearing my Lum "costume," which is taller
than I normally am.

	`Who are you, and why did you call me Doctor Smith?' he asks, a bit
annoyed sounding.

	`Captain Suika Roberts, U.N. Spacey, currently working in conjunction
with the Federation StarShip Voyager.  We've been putting a different name on
you every now and again trying to find one that you want to keep.  Right now
it is, um, Zebediah Smith.  It's been a few months since I've talked to you.'

	At this point he freaks, and calls the bridge.

	I set Emily down on the biobed as people start to pour in the door.

	The Doctor is giving me the hairy eyeball even as he scans Emily,
who's fine.  She was a wonderful prop, though, and I look for Ensign Nameless
in the crowd.

	She's not there, which is odd, since it's Emily who's hurt.  &Miki,
where's Nameless?'

	&Anou, san nen mae shinimashita.&  Dead? Three years ago?  That would
have been right after I showed up.  I bow my head, feeling sad, then, &hey, do
we still have that backup of her from the first run?'

	&Hai.&

	&That's good.  In the CZ?&

	&Hai.&

	`Who the hell are you?'  Janeway gives me that glare, the one she
hasn't tried on me in years, having found that the disappointed look works a
little better.

	`Captain, or, since I don't actually have a capitol ship with me, nor
another fighter, Ensign Suika Roberts, U.N. Spacey,' I bow, then straighten up
with a smile.

	`What are you doing on my ship, Captain Roberts?'

	`Oh, I figured it would be as good a place as any to wait while I
re-crunch all of my numbers.'

	`Numbers?'

	`For my transwarp experiments,' she looks me over, noting my costume,
from the tips of my little yellow horns, down the green hair, over the long,
slender body, and then back to my cute little fangs and long, pointed ears.

	`Would you be willing to share your data?' Severin asks, with her normal
aplomb.  She looks funny in her current outfit, a tight-fitting purple thing,
that I think I remember from before.

	`Sure thing, Sever, Seven.'

	She notes my slip, `What was that name you were going to call me?'

	`Severin, from a character in a novel that you read, well, the you
where I came from, when you first came on board.'

	`Could I read this novel?'

	`I'm sure you could,' &Miki, dig up Severin's library records, if
we've got them here, and download copies of the books to a padd for her.&

	&ehtou, mitsuketa, yarimashita,& the flash of data shows I've got all
of them as etext, and they all fit.

	&which?&

	&Hidari no compaato.&

	I reach into the CZ's left compartment, and pull out the padd, which I
hand to Seven.  `Here you go, all of the books you read from my library when
you first arrived.  Come see me if they confuse you at all.'

	`I will do that,' she tucks the padd behind her back, holding it.

	`What are you?' B'El-chan, no, a B'El-chan, asks.

	`Modified human,' I smile, looking down just a little into her eyes, a
side effect of being ten centimeters taller than normal.

	`And the horns?' she asks.

	`Costume,' I smirk at her, softly.

	I glance into Tom's glare, `What, can't I flirt with her?'

	`Just be careful, or I'll have to hurt you.'

	`Why thank you mister Paris, I didn't realize you cared so much,' I
glance at his ears and notice a dearth of rings.  &So he, Kes and Neelix
didn't work things out?&

	&ehtou, yarimashita kedo,& and she flashes me the specifics.

	&B'El-chan and Tom?  Eww,& I must not have kept my face under enough
control, because B'Elana gives me a look.

	Proximity sensors demand attention, &people!& the CZ elaborates, in
her own way.

	`Captain, could you order the security team to back off from my ship?
I really would prefer to survive this mess.'

	Janeway blinks at me, `What?'

	`She's a little skittish, and sometimes overreacts,' I smile
indulgently, `But so long as they keep their mitts off of her, she won't shy.'

	`Shy?' she stares at me, for a few seconds, then taps her comm badge,
`Janeway to security team, keep your hands off the alien ship for now.'

	`Acknowledged,' a male voice replies.

	&thanks,& the CZ tells me, a warm syrupy feel to her voice.

	`Thank you, captain,'

-

	`If I didn't know better, I'd say you had a chemical imbalance,' I
tell the captain, as I scan her again.

	`What do you mean?' she growls, annoyed.

	`I mean you're acting like a paranoid delusional,' I compare her scans
to those I have of my captian, looking for an identifiable problem, `and
damned possessive,' which I don't find.

	`Of?'

	`Seven.  If you'd hooked her, B'El-cha- B'Elana, up with someone good
for her you might have a chance.  I think you're too familiar, too much of a
parent-figure, though.'

	`Bosh!' she says.

	I stare at her, surprised by her use of that word.

-

	`Emily.'

	`Yes, ensign?'

	`You were getting involved with Ensign Nameless when she was killed,
right?'

	`Yeah.'

	`I have a backup of her, from my universe, about eight months after
when she was killed here.'

	`Backup?'

	`Digital copy.  Neither of you, there, protested religious objections,
so, if you would like, I could restore her.'

	`REALLY!!' she squeaks, very loudly.

	`Really.  I'll need to hook the CZ up to one of the EPS conduits,
though, or I won't have enough fuel for it.'

	`How long will that take?'

	`'Bout an hour, I'll have to rip the deck plate up over EPS conduit
zero, route an auxiary, and hook it in.  Maybe thirty minutes.'

	`Wow,' she starts crying, and drops herself onto me, her arms around
my neck.

	Because of that, it takes four hours to get everything together.

-

	`Susan!' Emily breathes, reaching out to touch the lovely plump form
in form-fitting Rivant armour, then drawing her fingers back.

	`Emily?  You're a Crewman again?' Nameless cups Emily's shoulder in one
hand.

	`Different universe.  I wasn't here, you got killed shortly after I
arrived, back where we came from,' Nameless gathers Emily into her arms, and
nods at me, `Figured you wouldn't mind.'

	`Not at all.'

-

        `So you're a counselor?  On your Voyager?'

	`No, I'm the resident Mad Scientist.  Unfortunately, despite the fact
that I don't like doing it, and refuse to undertake any real training, I've
not screwed up anyone's life with my headshrinking yet, so I'm sorta stuck
doing it.  We still haven't found a competent xenopsych, and we've been
searching for years, now.'

        `Headshrinking?'

        `Derogatory reference to psychotherapy.'

        `Oh.'

-

	`My, your "assert moral superiority" roll sucks bad.'

	`"Assert moral superiority roll"?'

	`Yeah, it's a Starfleet Captain skill, lets you talk the other guy
down without shooting them.  You suck at it worse than Kirk did.'

	`That is mildly disrespectful,' she tells me, her tone carefully
level.

	`Yep.  Doesn't mean you don't need to improve.'

-

        `What's this?' B'Elana gestures at the flux torpedo mounted under the 
left side of the CZ's fuselage.

        `Flux torpedo.  Makes transtators blow up for lightyears around, and 
destroys many kinds of warp drives at closer ranges, up to four light
seconds.'

        `And the other?'

        `Type G warhead cruise missle.  It will destroy anything in an entire 
solar system at full yield, and can be limited down to only about a planet.
The area of effect is safe to enter about a month after the device does its
thing, and should be safe to start terraforming after about three hundred
years.'

	`Wow,' she looks at her tricorder, `You do know protomatter is
illegal.'

	`So is voluntary nanomodification of humans,' I touch my nose with the
tip of my index finger.

-

(OK, enough gratuituous introduction!  If you want more of it, try
http://www.unm.edu/~ssfr/stories/drafts/TrekMar for the gratuitous Mary Sue
story this part grew out of)

(now, for the snitched disclaimers, which I disclaim writing)

Disclaimers:
1) We do not own the characterwe are about to beat the living crap out
of, if we did we would have no need to beat the living crap out of them.
As for the real people we are portraying, hehe, no we don't own them
either.  Hello, slavery was abolished hudrededs of years ago.

2) This is a spoof, a comedy, which means that all that is said in these
chapters are meant in fun and are in no way meant to be disrespectful to
anyone.  Nor were any rights meant to be infringed upon, the Taking to
Heart series is the property of letterx and we're only borrowing her
characters to kill over and over and over again.  No money was made off 
of the writing of this round robin so please do not sue the writers, we
is poor folks.

Again I would like to restate that all that is said within these
chapters are meant to be fun so please do not take any offense to what
is being said.  If you must complain then email the author privately
with your concerns, do NOT flame us on list.  That would not be kosher
as my friend would say.

Well that should about cover the legal stuff.  As for the ratings of
each chapter, those will have to be posted by the individual author as
well as any other added notes you wish to include, ie other disclaimers
or spoilers, ect.


Title: Taking it to Janey
Author: letterx
Pairing:  Um, was there suppose to be a pairing?
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Changes of the Heart by letterx
Summary:  Janeway finally gets what's coming to her.

(there, that should do it ^_^ )

(Oh wait)

No frogs were harmed during this epsisode!

(there, I think that's it)
-

	Crewman X, who has delusions of authorhood, wanders in, talking to
Seven about tormenting Janeway again.  I scan them both, but detect nothing
terribly unusual to explain their behavior.

	`Hmm,' I hmm, `I could turn her into a frog, if she agrees to it.'

	`Really?  How?'

	`It's an offshoot of my work on backups.  I just take an image of the
captain, modify it appropriately, and restore her as a frog.  Simple and
effective.'

	`How do you intend to get Janeway to agree to such a transformation?'

	`I'll tell her that if she does, you'll spend more time with her.'

	`I do not wish to "spend time" with her.'

	`She'll be much cuter as a talking frog, I'm sure.'

	`Not sufficently.'

	`She'd make a really nice broach like that.'

	`If you insist.'

	`C'mon, it'll be fun.  I've always wanted to turn someone into a
frog.'

	`Go for it,' Crewman X enthuses, `Voy, we're gonna turn Janey into a
frog!' she continues after tapping her comm badge.

	I let my face twist out of shape and shake my head.

-

	`Captain!' I call, walking up behind her quickly, `I've got a proposal
I want to share with you.'

	Janeway sidesteps a scutter, `How did I let you convince me to let
these things go?'

	`Very carefully,' I tell her with a straight face, `I was thinking
about your desire to be closer to Seven.  I've got just the thing!'

	She looks at me warily, `Go ahead.'

	`Come on, let me just show you, right this way,' I grab her by the
wrist and drag her down the hall.

	She puts up a little protest as I drag her into Cargo Bay Two, and
a little more as I drag her to my lair, in the far left corner from the door.

	`See,' I point at the unnescessarily complex diagram on one wall, `We
just do this, and that, and this here, and then re-align these neurons here,
and replace this SCSI connector with a VHDCI one, and you will be able to
spend most of your time, for at least several days, with Seven.'

	She is properly intimidated by the utter technogibberish I just spewed
at her, `Yeah, that might work.  When can we start?'

	`Right now, if you wish.'

	`Do it.'

	&Miki, you heard the captain.&

	&Hai.&

	There is a sparkle of a transporter, and then, sitting on the floor,
right where Janeway had been, is a cute little black frog with bright blue
spots.

	I kneel down to watch as she picks up one of her cute little front
feet, and admires the cute little four-toed appendage before setting it down
and holding up her left one, which has a nice blue spot on it.

	`I'm a frog,' she says.

	`Well, not quite.  You're much sturdier, still have all the complexity
of your human brain, and won't dry out as easily.'

	`I _look_ like a frog,' she grouses.

	`Yep.  Much cuter.'

	`I don't want to be cute.'

	`Why not?' I ask her, scooping her up in my hands.  I get to my feet
with a little bit of trouble.  Maybe I went overboard with the duranium
skeleton, but it wouldn't do for her to get killed by accident, now, would it?

	Of course not.  I settle her on my shoulder, and walk out, listing
slightly.

-

	`Seven,' I squeal in excitement, `Looky what I cought!'

	`What is it?' she leans closer to look at what I have in my hands.

	`A frog who thinks she's Captain Janeway!' I tell Seven, then draw my
hands up closer to my mouth, `Don't worry, it's just to get her to take you,'
I tell Janeway-frog.

	`Indeed?  May I see this remarkable frog?'

	I part my fingers a little, as if I am worried she'll jump out.

	`What a pretty specimen.  May I keep her?'

	`Only for a little while, I want to put her back where I found her.
You can hold on to her for a little bit, though, if you promise to take care
of her and make sure she's fed.'

	`I promise.  What does she eat?'

	`I'm not sure.  She looks like a species native to the Amazon basin on
earth, so maybe she eats bugs.'

	`I do not eat bugs,' Janeway says.

	`Then what do you eat?' Seven asks, as if she meets talking frogs
every day.

	`Um,' Janeway umms.

	`Then why don't we see if you eat bugs, Captain?'

	She holds out her cupped hands, and the captain steps into them.

	`I don't wanna eat bugs,' I can hear the captain complain as they
leave the room.

	I let myself fall over and laugh for a little while.

-

	`C'mon, while Seven's playing with Janeway, let's get this fixed,' I
wave at the plasma coolers.

	`Why is Seven playing with the, that woman?'

	`Oh, I turned her into a frog.'

	`You turned Seven into a frog!' she almost roars, grabbing my shoulder
and spinning herself around to face me, with a little bit of staggar as she
had intended to spin me, I'm sure.

	`No, I turned Janeway into a frog.'

	A great big smile splits her face, `Wow.  Like, wow, that's
wonderful!'

	`Not a terribly realistic frog, one of the talking ones you find in
cartoons.'

	`Oh, well, that's OK.  Can I trust you while I go look at this frog?'

	`No, but I'll try not to break anything while you're gone.'

	`Good,' she tells me distractedly, and walks from engineering.

-

	`What did you do?'  B'Elana's voice is a little strident.

	`I forgot to shut down the core before I vented the coolant,' I bite
my lower lip, `We did this on a planetary surface, with everything cold.  I
remembered before too long, so we only melted six of the primary conduits.'

	`Six?  There's only seven primary conduits.'

	`What happened to three, five, eight, and ten?'

	`Had to canibalize them.'

	`Fuck.'

	`Something like that.'

-

	`No, you're stuck as a frog until we replace the ruined conduits.  I'm
going to take the CZ and seed an asteroid, and haul the conduit back once the
nanoconstructors have finished it.  B'Elana and Seven will finish what they
can while they wait for me to return.'

	`How long will it take?' she sounds so resigned.

	`About two weeks.'

	`Tidings of comfort and joy.  Oh tidings of comfort and joy,' she
deadpans.

	`Indeed.  I'll see you in a little while.'

	`OK,' she sounds almost sad.

-

	`Crewman?'

	The young woman looks up at me, `Yes?'

	`Look after the Captain, please, and make sure she eats her bugs.'

	`Yes, ensign!' she smiles, and thumps her fist to her chest in a
salute.

	It's the wrong fist, but it's the thought that counts.

---
log:
volunteered for spoof, 2001/April/6
wrote spoof intro bit, 2001/April/8
added more, 2001/April/10 and 11
read the first two parts, and turned Janey into a frog, 2001/April/11 (just
barely)
Tiny edits, 2004/Sep/27